June 28th, 2010

Jay Cock!

(no subject)

I'm staring at this, thinking what to say. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything.

I will anyway, despite it likely coming out as an insane... babble.

It was the chest infection that did it. Everyone thought she was gonna get better and then, all of a sudden, she'd gone. They'd tried to call, but I'd been tired and the net had fucked up, so I'd pulled the phone plug. So it ended up being my aunt coming and telling mum.

I didn't sleep. I just lay there, cuddling Danny. Or my unicorn. Or sheep. I was just... numb. I still am. I can't register it in my brain. I always figured we'd have some sort of... I dunno, warning. A clear sign that it was time. Instead it just happens in the middle of the night and she's all alone.

I take slight solace in that I saw her the day before.

She wasn't a particularly well woman though. She had advanced Alzheimer's disease. She was bedridden, she couldn't talk or even remember us. I was the last one that she really recognised, her eyes used to light up when she saw me, but that too faded. In the end she'd become a shell.

She was always the member of the family I connected with best and I knew she always loved me the most out of all the grandkids. When this happened to her I was the one of her grandkids hit hardest, yet I was also the one that kept going, kept seeing her the most.

Last year when I wasn't her for three months it hurt me not to see her. I hid it behind saying that I wanted to be back for my stuff. I dunno why.

At least she's at peace now and up with grandad.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words so far. I really appreciate it.

I dunno what else to say, so I guess I should leave it there.
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    numb numb