We're owl exterminators (shadow_hive) wrote,
We're owl exterminators

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Background update (part 2)

The background has been done, ain't it pretty! Thanks vulcan_girl
If anyone really likes it, I could put it on the community background.

Anyway, I'm gonna start writing after, dunno which one I'll do yet.
Either a challenge entry, Falling Apart part 5, finish The End Of The World As We Know it, or start something new. hmmmm

Lostprophets are on later, woohoo, they're doin a concert thing on radio 1 at 10! As if that wasn't good enough, Kylie's gonna be on ITV at 12:45. :D

Now onto the rant. Warning it includes references to my past sex life.

I talked to Kel today and ended up near tears. We had this long discussion about me and my relationships. First was my ex Sam. I was with him on and off for almost 3 years. We messed around a bit, and that's all it was really, just our sex drives, our hormones. I never really loved him and he didn't me. We fought, we part and we got back. But we would be together one week, and not speaking the next. He'd sing to me this song (Shakira-Whenever, Wherever) and it made me feel so special. But when he went I felt nothing. I was completely numb.
Then there was Lee. He came into it last year. We were playing around and he started asking me stuff so I ended up sucking him. About 6 seperate times. This wasn't love either, it was my own twisted sense of vengeance, and I guess my own self-loathing that made me do it.
Me and Lee stopped last year.

But a few months back I heard Whenever, Wherever and it bought the memories back. It tore me apart inside and destroyed me. I remembered our good times and I wanted him back.

So last month I see Sam again, after blood doning (big mistake). We talked for a while but it meant nothing, and soon I was on my knees in front of him. he cam about 4 or 5 times. Trouble was I couldn't even get hard. :( (That's what blood doning does to ya, gentle readers)
He was on my bed and I was rimming him and sucking him, but it felt too much like going through the motions.
I haven't seen him since.
I didn't even tell anyone till today.
I told Kel and she agreed that Sam wasn't what I needed. It was like Lorne going back to Pylea: I had to see him again to know we weren't meant to be.

I told her that when he left I felt nothing but when I heard that Gavin might I broke down. I told her that I thought Gavin would be rough and fuck me till I bled. I also like Simon and I see him as being more gentle, more loving.
She came to the conclusion that i wanted both sex and the love that comes with it. That I wanted someone who could be wild as well as loving. She also said that I like dangerous bad boys, but I want them to love me for me. Maybe she's right, but I don't think there's anyone out there for me. There's only one or the other. As Stuart said in Queer As Folk: "When you love, there's no blood, no hardon."

I guess that's how I see it. *sigh*
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