I'm close to finishing fic, hopefully finished in an hour or two.
For reference Bullet For My Valentine are Moose (drums), Jason 'Jay' James (bass), Matt Tuck (vocals, guitar) and Padge (guitar).
Hopefully inspiring depravity onward.
Horse sex. Hardcore porn. 'Stealth wanking' Prepare to be disgusted by Bullet For My Valentine's sickest interview ever...
It's fair to assume that the cavernous photo studio tucked away at 10A Balmont Street in Camden has never seen such filth. While it seems like only yesterday that Bullet For My Valentine were balking at the prospect of posing with scantily-clad PVC-friendly models for their debut K! cover shoot last August. It seems their lofty standards have somewhat plummeted judging by the 'Teen Cum Lovers' DVD arrogantly perched atop one of their bags.
"Bah, the quality's so shite." Says frontman Mayy Tuck, settling into a couch alongside his bandmates Jason james (bass) and Moose (drums)
"Yeah, terrible camera angles and it looks like it was shot 10 years ago." Adds axeman Micheal 'Padge' Padget, waving a fag dismissively as if to reject a fine wine. "Really, if oyu just looked at the cover you'd expect a lot more. Er, not that I actually watched it."
The lying bastard.
What's been the biggest change for Bullet For My Valentine in the last year?
Matt: I've cut back on my drinking and smoking. I decided on our last tour while we were in Phoenix, Arizona. I just got fucking toitalled - like the worst I've ever been in my life. I just woke up with really bad sinuses, like I couldn't breath. I went to the hospital and the doctor made me listen to my lungs and it frightened me so much i just had to stop smoking and take it easy on the drinking.
Moose: I've known him 10 years and in 1 years I've never seen him that drunk in my life. He went psycho. We started calling him Aggro-Tuck...
Padge: Matt Tuck. Drunk as fuck. Punching cans with his guitar hand...
Matt: I ripped my own trousers off myself. My trousers caught on a door and they seriously just tore right off me...
Moose: You know those horror movies where people are getting dragged off by zombies and there's nothing they can do? He did that to me.
Have you ever been caught wanking and finished off regardless?
Jason: I haven't ever been caught wanking. not once. It isn't the sight that's a giveaway, it's the noise, man. I'm a stealth wanker.
Padge: I've been walked in on but I kind of got away with it... i covered up.
Moose: Never. I'm too good at it, but we caught our tour manager pleasuring himself in Germany like two weeks ago. He was in a dressing room and I walked in and I just knew what he was doing instantly. You can't mistake that sound for anything ese. We called him Stinky for the rest of the tour.
Why is there a 'Teen Cum Lovers' DVD under the table?
Moose: It's Padge's. Tell him what your favourite is, Padge.
Padge: Oh, no. Okay, we bought this porn film once and it was all double-anal, triple-anal. Nothing that nasty, eally. Stepping on faces, coming on gllasses, short people, tall people, drinking people's cocks - it was blinding. I had to give it away, though. It was a bit too dirty to take into the house, you know, with my lady there and all.
Have you ever met any of your childhood heroes?
Matt: Yeah, it was Robb Flynn (Machine Head) at the Kerrang! Awards. He was so important to me growing up, and he was such a nice guy, really chilled out. He instantly knew who we were and he was well into it. A real gentleman.
Moose: Nicko (Mcbrian), iron Maiden's drummer...
Matt: Yeah, he came over to me and he was cool as fuck. He shook my hand, going 'You guys are awesome.'
Jason: He came over you?
Matt: He didn't come on me! I said he came over to me. Fuck.
Have you ever been arrested?
Moose: I was thrown in jail once, about three years ago. I was 19, and this guy was making fun of my clothes - he just kept on and kept on. So I just went up to him and just as I grabbed him by the head these four policemen appeared out of nowhere and threw me in a riot van. My friend got arrested to. You know why? Standing in the road, eating chips.
Jason: I was shouting abuse in a club once and they called the cops and they arrested me for resisting arrest.
Matt: I was driving at like four in the morning and i was the only car on the entire road and this complete cunt drives up behind me, and I was totally abiding by the speed limit which is rare for me, but then the lights came on. He was like, 'Your lights are too bright' and started giving me this big lecture about my fucking lights. It's harassment.
Is there a limit to the number of wanks you'll have in a day?
Moose: Uh, two? My personal best would have to be at least 15. It gives me something to do. Shit, I'm going red. When you're away from home you've always got a friend on the road. Susie Palmer and her five sisters.
Padge: Four or five times a day is normal for me. - it's important to have a lock-in toilet on the tour bus.
Matt: I don't like to limit myself.
Have you ever farted while recieving oral sex?
Matt: i don't know what oral sex is. Is it like talking dirty? Okay, no. I don't think so. I think I'd remember smething like that.
Jason: It's like having your bumhole licked. Our merch guy was doing a 69 and her arsehole was in hisfaceand it just opened like one of those Star Wars doors and she had a shit on his head.
If you had to shag a dead celebrity who would it be?
Moose: Betty Boop. You can still go out with dead people can't you? No. Helen Daniels, the deflated 'Neighbour'. I'd pump her up...
Padge: Marilyn Monroe? I guess if I had to I would.
Matt: Audrey Hepburn. I've seen old pictures of her and she was bangin. It's all in the eyes for me.
Would you bring a horse off for money?
Moose: No way. I'd pay someone else to do it, though. No, I'd get Jason really drunk and slide him under, jerk it off on him and wake him up.
Matt: You know, there's actually a device for that. It's like this big mechanical horse fanny. I've seen it on TV. it's got this big bag and horses can just get on it. I could use one of those. And they were showing the horse sperm under the microscope and it's fucking crazy compared to human spunk - it's like they have these huge heads.
Describe your first experience of porn.
Matt: I found a disgusting mag in some bushes in a park...
Jason: That's just how it was for me! it was likethis old shed and the pages were all folded over and stuck together. It must have belonged to some dirty old Welsh guy. Like me. But I used to get really embarrassed watching movie scenes where people were getting off and feeling really embarrassed because my parents were thre.
Matt: Yeah, the smashing-something-spitting-something-do
A support band publically claims they blew you off stage. How do you react?
Moose: Who's the support band?
Matt: that's complete bullshit. We're the best. I'm completely confident that we could go up against any band. No one would blow us offstage. They could be equally as good, but not better. It just wouldn't happen.
Sock, soft tissue or cupped hand?
Matt: Whatever's closest! i think you're limiting your potential for pleasure if you use a sock. Why ruin it?
Jason: We're got this friend back home, Ravi, who just wanks and climaxes and goes to sleep. he just lets his dick stick to him and he falls asleep. Oh, he's a dirty bastard. I've walked in on him. Sometimes he pees on himself too and lets it dry off him because it turns him on.
Padge: And he uses butter for anal sex... he's a friend but he's a sick fuck. He's going to fucking kill you Jason.
What's the unwritten rule of Bullet For My Valentine?
Matt: Don't sleep in the tour bus lounge or else you'll get fucked up. it's like giving permission to get your fucking eeyebrows taken off. Fucking everything.
Jason: Back in New York on the last tour I got drunk and passed out in the back and I was so fucking tired they just couldn't wake me up. So they fucking had me.
Matt: We shaved his eyebrows off and went to bed and I woke up to Jason moaning, still pissed as fuck, 'Oh Matt, my dick. Matt, my diick. My dick has congealed!' Me and Moose ran back and his dick was in his zipper 'there's Something About Mary' stylee, like it was in his zip so we had to rush him to hospital.
Jason: I ran in and grabbed a nurse and shouted 'My dick needs attention!' You could hear my fucking screaming through the halls. I don't even know how it got in there. I must have gone for a piss and collapsed with my zipper down and it worked its way up. My dick was entangled.
What's the most disgusting thing you've learned about a bandmate?
Jason: matt bites his toenails off and never fucking bins em. he drops them in cans of Coke! I picked up this can of Coke on this bus and my lips were fucking full of toenails. I could have slapped his fucking head off. And he leaves his socks offor days and throws them at us. They smell like fuck they do.
Padge: They smell fucking repugnant. He left some in a bag and I opened it and it was like a bag of fucking dead rats or something.
Do you stop to admire your accomplishments before you flush?
Matt: Well. you've got to check just in case you've broken a record or something. I just had this wicked shit the other day, one of those massive ones where it just fills up the bowl so I got my camera phone out and sent a picture to Jason. I was proud.
Jason: I was having food at the time and then there's this fucking curly turd with spikes coming out. It was a fucking five flusher it was.
Have you ever farted and followed through?
Padge: Oh my God, I'm the fucking king. Hell, yes. I think I went through three pairs of pants in the last six weeks. They're like butterfly patterns.
Jason: Just the other week we were laying on his bed in a hotel room watching TV and he farted and his eyebrows shot up and he goes, 'Oh fuck, I think I just shat myself!'
Padge: I had to have a shower, man. I was sad, mopping up my bum cheeks.
Matt: I shat myself down at the video shop once. I just shat myself. I don't know why, and I was wearing these fucking baige cut-offs too. I had to waddle off pretty fast.
Jason: That friend of ours back home we were talking about, Ravi, the guy who pees on himself? The stinky one? He said he was shagging a fat bird doggy style once, he pulled out, and she shit up her own back. Stinking bastard.
Ian Watkins says that Bullet For My Valentine make him laugh, care to comment?
Padge: Are we funny to him? We make him laugh? In what sense...?
Moose: The fucking bender. We used to practise in Mike Chiplin's [Lostprophets' ex-drummer] rehearsal room before he left the band and he was sound as fuck, he was totally cool. And Stuart [Richardson, bass] used to help us record our demos and he is sound as fuck as well, but Ian can suck a cock now. We'll see who has the longest career.
Padge: Did he really say that? I think he makes everyone laugh.
Matt: Ian, we love you. I'll cook you dinner.